Monday, 21 April 2014

Depression and anxiety: my story.

So for as long as I can remember I've been struggling with depression and anxiety, mainly social anxiety. It's incredibly hard to live with any form of mental illness and I have to say that it's an uphill struggle pretty much everyday, some days are better than others. I've been living with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember even when I was little I was never really a happy kid I was bullied at school and didn't have a lot of friends outside of school and was very awkward socially, and I still am. Depression has been a huge struggle in my life and for a long time I never really understood or admitted I had a problem, I didn't really know how to deal with it. When I was ten my dad died and I feel like it was a major low in my life I felt like my world had ended and it hit me really hard I literally wanted the world to end I didn't know how to deal with it, it was like loosing my world as I knew it and I didn't want to carry on. It was a time when I felt incredibly fragile. It took me the longest time to get over such a huge loss. I found my comfort in food and slowly developed a problem using food as my crutch which has meant I've had major weight issues that I'm still battling through. At around 16-17 I went through a really bad stage and it was around this time I started self harming, I would cut my self to try and feel something anything I felt empty inside. This is also the point when is say my binge eating was a huge problem, I was comfort eating and it wasn't pretty I would eat fish fingers straight from the freezer, I would eat from the kitchen bin it was a very low point when I literally couldn't control what I was eating. it was around this time I went to counciling and saw a therapist. I don't think it really helped me that much as I knew why I felt the way I did but I didn't know how to cope with it. I was put on antidepressants and that worked for a while. I found a lot of comfort around that time in alcohol and was drinking and going out pretty much every night, I drank more to forget and to be free from the darkness inside me. Unfortunately there's no hiding from it slowly I started to spiral back in down in to depression, FAST! In 2010 I had a mental breakdown and couldn't handle my life and the world I was living in. I became a recluse and refused to leave the house and developed huge anxiety when I was out of the house I would say I felt a little agoraphobic and I didn't was to socialise. I would make excuses to not go out and not to see people, I'd say the only time I went out I would drink to try and make myself feel less uncomfortable. I've always been socially awkward as I mentioned at the beginning of this post and that's kinda made it hard for me in social situations I'm very  immature and childish. I've not had a lot of interaction with people out side my select group of friends so a lot of people don't understand me or know how to take me,I feel like when I'm around people I have to put on a show and be a bubbly face for people to like me. sometimes it's really hard to be the "Prew" people expect, I don't always know how to be the "Prew" I'm meant to be. 
I don't like social situations or places I hate going out and being in crowded or loud places and it gives me panic attacks, I have emotional breakdowns and freak out its a horrible experience, I'm still on anti depressants but I'd say they combat the depression but not really the anxiety side of things as much as I would like but I'm getting there, I still have yet to get my binge eating under control but at least I don't eat from bins and i don't eat frozen unless it's ice cream.
I'm not writing this post for sympathy but to try and shed some light on me as a person and what it's like dealing with depression and anxiety on a daily basis.  

1 comment:

  1. I have depression and anxiety too. I did CBT and that has helped my anxiety a bit, and the anti depressants help most of my mood swings, but not all. Big hugs to you. x x